Archive | January, 2014

Where did you come from Mr. Lizard?!

31 Jan

The other day I was in my bathroom doing bathroom stuff and I saw a Lizard in the corner! I froze! He froze! We both didn’t know what to do…. I think we both thought if we didn’t move maybe the other wouldn’t see us. I didn’t scream but I calmly removed myself from the room ran upstairs to get something to block the bottom of the door to make sure he could not leave. I returned to find him in exact the same spot. Still frozen! I calmly turned off the light and shut the door. Then I blocked the bottom of the door to make sure he didn’t get out! I trapped him. I walked away and tried to focus on my paper writing that needed tending too! Actually I did pretty good to avoid the fact that there was a baby alligator in my bathroom. Ok baby lizard but it could grow up to be an alligator!

As I sat and avoided the issue I blocked it out of my mind and kept thinking….How did it get inside? Is there a secret society of lizards living in my walls? Maybe it will just go away. Maybe I don’t ever need to use the bathroom again. Yes that it! I will block the door and never allow anybody to in that room again. He will eventually die and I don’t need to deal with it. Brilliant! That was it…I was just going to run over to the Home Depot buy some cement and get some of that police tape at the police tape store and close off the bathroom. Done! Lizard problem solved.

Then I thought MAYBE I was over reacting. I mean people have these little dudes as pets. I could surely ask him to leave like a big girl. So that is what I did. I calmly (and by calmly I mean frantically) opened the door and began to have a conversation with said lizard. I cleared my throat and looked around to make sure I was indeed alone and said “I would just like to start by saying, thank you for your visit but I am not longer housing lizards of your kind in my home.” To which he said nothing and thank goodness or else I would have another problem! So I did what every ‘normal’ person out there would do and I trapped him in Christmas popcorn tin. Who knew that when I purchased the tin it was not only a lovely snack of three different types of popcorn but also a lizard catcher! So I proceeded to scoot the lizard out trapped in the tin. Surprisingly he still did not talk, but I am pretty sure he peed. As I pushed the tin across the floor my heart was beating so hard I thought it would poop out of my chest. My hands were sweating so bad I was afraid I was going to let the tin slip and fall over and the lizard would be free in my house again. It was the longest trip of my life to my very own front door. Once I finally made it to the door I lifted up the tin and nothing came out! At this point I was ready to pass out. How could this be? Where did he go? I had a perfectly executed plan! Then out of nowhere he dropped to the outside ground. I shut and locked the door then sat on my couch and finally started breathing again!

Now I know what you must be saying, “it’s only a lizard.” True it was only a baby lizard, but I removed this creature from my life from my home. After wards I thought about all the negativity or negative energy or negative people I have removed from my life and thought, why was I afraid of a lizard. That whole night that I fretted over how the lizard got inside in the first place was a “moo point” (for my Joey fans). It did not matter how it got there. What mattered was that I took care of business when it was time.

When you finally realize that there is something icky in your life. If there is something that makes you feel bad, scared, or less than totally awesome get rid of it! Don’t ignore it or act like it will go away on its own because it won’t. It will grow and continue to consume your thoughts or in this case my bathroom!

So thank you Mr. Lizard for your visit but I am not longer housing lizards of your kind in my home!

I’m baaaaaack!

29 Jan

I was recently asked where I have been since last April.  Well the truth is I have been stuck in the jungles of Jumanji waiting for someone to roll a five.  So a big thank you to BDW whoever you are for helping me out!   No really I have been living out my fantasy of being a Rodeo Clown, which by the way is a bull fighter in case you didn’t know.   I actually did not know that and when I made that my fantasy life.  Then I realized it involved an actual rodeo so needless to say no longer my fantasy life (oh and never mind the word rodeo is in the job title Rodeo clown).   Alas the truth is I have spent the almost past year figuring it all out.  I have missed my crazy stories in my head but replaced them with grown up things which to be honest I have not always enjoyed.  I made big girl decisions, picked up some knowledge by going back to college and even managed to get some street creed by pushing my body to become an IronWOman. 

I knew entering 2013 it was going to be full of pain and agony trying to achieve my goals.  I missed my trips to Never land and Wonderland but spent most of days at Disneyland (seriously I think I should be a rapper I am dropping some dope lyrics).  But now I’m back!  I thought I would share my new approach on life and that is when I don’t know what to do next I ask myself, “What would Liz Lemon do?”  So far the two days I have used this approach I have actually asked someone out AND sat in my stretchy pants that I bought from Walgreens and ate jalapeno chips!  Wow I am living the dream this 2014.  I just figure it’s high time we all stop being so serious and wear those Walgreens stretchy pants!  Why not? Or wear those bright red pants that everybody seems to have an opinion about… Santa and Phoebe Buffay are not the only ones who can make a red pants statement!  Wasn’t it Eleanor Roosevelt that said, “You must do the thing you think you cannot do?”   That is going to be me; wearing Walgreens stretchy red pants doing all the things I thought I could not do.  I encourage you all of you and by you all I mean the one other person reading this, to put on your Walgreens pants and do things you think you cannot do either.  We can start a movement of doing things!

So with that I will say thank you again to whoever BDW is for bringing me back to life!   Here is to doing things in 2014!